Religion Lost and Found

Religion. What does that word mean to you?

How about faith?

My faith was rocked many years ago, starting when my brother, Matthew, was born with severe cerebral palsy. I was 7 at the time and immediately questioned how God could allow such a horrible thing to happen. We had been taught that God loves us and we are his creations. Then, how could he strike such horrors upon things he loves?

Over the next few years, I questioned things more deeply. Why should I believe in a god just because I’m told to? How do we know God isn’t a woman? In 7th grade, I wrote a paper titled “God: Creator of the Universe or Creation of Our Minds.” That was soon before Matthew died, at the age of 6. The curiosity didn’t seem out of place. I was, after all, seeking to understand my place in all of this.

My fascination with religion never ceased. I went on to graduate college with a double major in journalism and religion. I couldn’t study enough about it. How it motivates people. How it corrupts people. How it launches wars that won’t end. How it provides order — in society and within ourselves.

And now my daughter, Ella, is 6, the age we lost Matthew. Life has looped me back around for another slingshot into faith. She is the closest thing to me knowing God. The miracle of a healthy child will give you some form of religion. 

After becoming a mom, I cried more easily at everything. Especially sappy commercials. When Ella graduated kindergarten in May, I was a mess. Why? Because she’s attended a church-based school that is not of the Jewish religion in which I was raised. She talks about Jesus and prays and sings songs about God. I could never keep my eyes from flooding any time I saw her sweetly share those things in my presence. Her favorite question to me, after inspecting my eyes is, “Are you crying!?” She’s learned that type of cry is not a bad thing.

I’ve also found comfort, and tears, at my gym. Trinity Fitness Suntree begins and ends each workout with devotionals and prayer from any members who give requests. I don’t often have need to ask for prayer. My ask, I feel, should be reserved for when I really need it. I feel ok asking for prayers for others, but still not for myself. But I’ve had overwhelming feelings there, an epiphany that I indeed don’t need to walk alone through anything. 

It took 6 years of Matthew to rock my faith. And it’s taken 6 years of Ella to solidify it in a new form. She is my miracle. And that’s evidence of something.

Follow Ella Grace Helton’s incredible journey as a child entertainer:

IG: @adventuresofellagrace

FB: /adventuresofellagrace

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