Create a Fulfilling Relationship
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Create a Fulfilling Relationship

Create a Fulfilling Relationship

A couple reached out to me for therapy and described their relationship as completely disconnected. They claimed their relationship had been in this condition for years and they are lacking hope that it can change. However, they had been married for eight years, had three children, and wanted to be sure to try couples counseling before calling it quits.

The husband was a business owner and the wife worked part time from home while she cared for their small children. In their first appointment, I discovered a daily routine that had seemed to spiral their relationship downward over the years. When the husband came home each day, the kids bombarded him at the door with love and excitement. He returned the affection and love and headed to the bedroom to get changed.

His wife was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Her feelings were hurt that he doesn’t come in to greet her, too. She doesn’t say anything in hopes that tomorrow will be different, but weeks go by and this pattern continues. She finally one day blurts out in frustration, “Aren’t you going to say hello to me.”

He responds “oh yes, hey honey…sorry I was just going to go change out of my work clothes.”

He goes to the room to change as usual assuming his wife is just in a bad mood and doesn’t think much about the interaction. The next day, back to the usual pattern and nothing is said. The wife makes the assumption that her husband must not care about her needs since he ignored her comment about greeting her.

Months start to go by and the wife becomes resentful now beyond just the lack of greeting at the end of the day to a list of other things she feels is missing in her relationship. The husband is frustrated with his wife’s apparent bad mood and distances himself because he feels rejected by his wife. The tension builds until they find themselves exploding in conflict and in my office to unwind the web of miscommunication.

My guess is on some level…maybe the same level, many of you can relate to this example. It is amazing in a loving relationship how something so simple can turn into something so big, but it happens all the time! We all know that communication is the key to any relationship, but why is it so hard?

It becomes difficult when emotions get involved. When we feel hurt or neglected, it is tempting to become defensive to protect ourselves. Unfortunately, defensiveness blocks us from authentically expressing ourselves to our partner in order to effectively get our needs met. One roadblock is tough, but often both partners are coming into the conflict defensive and then the issue at hand is nearly impossible to resolve. Below are some general rules to healthy conflict. What rules are you guilty of breaking when upset?

  1. No aggression (verbally or physically).
  2. Do not go into conflict to win, but with a willingness to compromise.
  3. Stick to one subject at a time.
  4. Stay in the present and do not bring up mistakes from the past.
  5. No hitting below the belt (you know your partner’s hot buttons…don’t push them).
  6. Set aside a time to talk that works for both partners.
  7. Take breaks, but don’t give up.

It’s the new year and many people are focused on individual goals. I propose that you take this time following the hustle and bustle of the holiday to set some goals for your relationship. If it is feeling disconnected, what changes could you focus on together to create a more fulfilling relationship?

Even if your relationship is not in a conflicted state, it’s always a good idea to do a check-in with one another to discuss how you might be able to strengthen your relationship moving forward. Here are a couple of questions to ask one another.

  • On a scale of 1-10 how fulfilled are you in the relationship?
  • What are you grateful for in the relationship that you want to continue to build on?
  • What are two or three things you would like different from your partner to increase that number?

As mentioned, it can be tough to overcome relationship challenges when emotions are involved. I highly recommend seeking a couples therapist if you find yourselves in repeated conflict or just disconnected. Having a third party there can assist in making sure your discussions are effective and not causing more harm.  

The two of you may have tried all the tools you have in your toolbox, but you might be missing some tools that could make a big impact on your communication. Couples therapy is not just for a crisis state of a relationship. It can be a powerful resource to help maintain a long-term fulfilling relationship.  

 

Kristin Woodling, a licensed mental health counselor and certified marriage and family therapist, is the owner of Pamper Your Mind, LLC in Satellite Beach. She is devoted to providing a confidential and elite therapeutic experience to professional women seeking healing, clarity, and balanced lifestyle for optimal health. Woodling promotes strong mental health services in her community and teaches counseling at Webster University and Eastern Florida State College. She is a graduate of the 360 Ignite program offered through WeVenture at Florida Institute of Technology and enjoys volunteering as a mentor to help other professionals excel personally and professionally.

Read more articles in our DIGITAL MAGAZINE.

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