Defining Family Roles

May is the month we honor mothers and ALL that they do. June is when we honor fathers. Moms today can wear many hats and often take a lot of pride in their all-important role in the family. 

Unfortunately, sometimes it becomes stressful. As a certified marriage and family therapist, I see married moms, single moms, stepmoms, working moms, and stay-at-home moms express feeling completely overwhelmed. It’s no secret that parenting can be difficult, but I want to share with you some observations I’ve made in my practice that might help create more balance in your home and decrease stress for everyone.

Moms say they want help around the house, but they sometimes unknowingly hinder confidence in their family’s ability to help out. Let’s first explore the father’s role in helping out with the children. When a newborn is first welcomed home, parents are often both extremely nervous and feel like they have no idea what they are doing with this precious life they are responsible for. However, over time factors may foster mom’s confidence in ways that are not as common for dads. 

For example, a mother who chooses to nurse her child naturally has more bonding time with her child and experiences the ability to meet her child’s needs. Or, when a mother takes maternity leave and the father returns to work, there is naturally more time for mom to figure things out, even if it involves some trial and error.

Experience breeds confidence

In the era that I grew up, it wasn’t uncommon for boys to have been taught how to change a tire, fix the plumbing or drive a boat, whereas the girls were playing with dolls, babysitting, learning how to decorate, cook, and sew. I recall messages such as “girls are so much more responsible” and “boys will be boys.” I’m not suggesting this happened in every household nor am I suggesting this is the way it should be, but this is not an uncommon scenario for our generation.

The result is many women do not have the confidence men do to change a tire, fix the plumbing or drive the boat. So why would we expect these same men to have the natural confidence to take care of a baby, head up household responsibilities, or take on other nurturing roles.

When these dynamics mix into a new family, too often moms begin to feel like they have to take care of all the child and household responsibilities or they won’t be done or done right. Father’s may lack confidence that they can succeed in these roles and take a hands-off approach focusing on other areas of their life. Again, this is not everyone’s situation, but it’s heartbreaking to witness, especially when the underlying issue is truly being misunderstood.

The solution is to start with a conversation that allows each of you to understand what gender roles you grew up with and how they apply to the current expectations for your family now. Moms might be surprised to learn that fathers want to play a more nurturing and active role in their children’s lives, but they lack the confidence in how to do it and the fear they may not meet mom’s expectations of how to care for the child.

Following the conversation, moms should consider their role in allowing one-on-one bonding time for dad and children. It not only allows time for dad to figure some things out on his own but it also encourages children to learn they can trust the other parent to care for their needs, as well. And mom can get time for self-care. It’s a win-win for everyone.

I encourage fathers who might feel insecure to communicate their desire to want to learn. Sometimes a hands-off approach to insecurities is misinterpreted as not caring, so be sure to be open about how you are actually feeling.

As children become older, don’t forget to include them in household responsibilities, as well. This is a very important step in teaching them the importance of contributing to the family and building confidence in their ability to take care of themselves.

Put it in writing

Developing a mutual contract is a powerful exercise I use often with families battling over household management.  Start by listing any and every task that must be done to manage the inside and outside of the home. Include paying bills, setting up necessary appointments and transporting kids. Everything! It might take you a week or two just to think of everything. 

Once you have it all listed out, go through the list together and agree on who will be responsible for what tasks. Don’t forget to include the kids. Consider who does what more naturally. Maybe one of you is more particular about how the house is dusted, but the other can’t stand dirty dishes in the sink. Divide up tasks according to personal preferences.

Don’t give up until you have a contract that all can agree on. Set a date for a monthly check-in to evaluate how things are working. Here’s the big tip (and I will say this to moms, because they are typically the ones who struggle with this): once the agreement is set, you are to trust that others will handle their part. It might not be done exactly how you like it, or in the timeframe you would like it done, but you are to save those grievances for the monthly check-in.

The key is communication. Do not assume why your partner and family are responding the way they are.  Communicate how the circumstances are affecting you, be willing to listen to their reasoning, and have the courage to ask for what you need.

Kristin Woodling, a licensed mental health counselor and certified marriage and family therapist, owns Pamper Your Mind, LLC in Satellite Beach. She is devoted to providing a confidential and elite therapeutic experience to professional women seeking healing, clarity, and balanced lifestyle for optimal health.

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