Own Your Emotions: Negative Feelings Help Us Survive

We all have people in our lives that always seem happy and appear to have a permanent smile. Their energy is upbeat and glowing with positivity. Have you ever wondered why you can’t be more like them?

Here’s a little secret: They aren’t always happy. They are not showing their authentic range of emotions to others. Their overly happy persona is an unhealthy tool they use to mask potential negativity. They likely struggle to cope with tough emotions, so they avoid them altogether.

Here’s the impact: When you avoid negative emotions, you deprive yourself of fully experiencing positive emotions.

Think about it — if you fear negative emotions, feeling good emotions is a vulnerable place to be. To fully feel happy, grateful, joyful or pleasurable, you must be in tune with your genuine emotions. The risk is that at any point, something could change and, if you are fully in tune with your feelings, you will then potentially feel disappointed, abandoned, hurt, or rejected. You can’t feel good without the risk of feeling bad. People who fear negative emotions avoid them by numbing the whole range of emotions.

So, people who are always happy aren’t just lucky and don’t experience negative emotions? No, because it’s not human. All our emotions serve a purpose. When we are in a healthy state, we feel the range as a means of survival and wellbeing.

Here’s an example: Even in the healthiest relationships, partners let each other down and cause hurt and disappointment. It may not be intentional, but it is unavoidable. If we didn’t care about the person, it wouldn’t hurt. Because we care and we had a certain expectation that was maybe misunderstood or miscommunicated, your partner's behavior can cause hurt and disappointment. 

In a healthy relationship, you are able to notice these feelings, communicate your feelings and needs, problem solve together, and heal. This is how relationships grow stronger. If you deprive yourself of feeling this hurt and disappointment, you block the opportunity to have authentic communication. Your needs go unmet, and eventually the relationship grows strained.

This concept is true in every scenario in life personally and professionally, and even individually (it doesn’t have to involve a relationship with others).

Admirable Attitude

If you find yourself envious of people who appear happy all the time, be aware they are not always happy. However, I am an advocate of being inspired by people who have a good attitude. That manifests as being able to acknowledge, experience, and communicate negative emotions honestly. They also balance that with seeing the good in situations, giving people the benefit of the doubt, and focusing on healthy action steps to cope with negative experiences. 

Surround yourself with those people and practice owning your attitude in every situation. It comes naturally for some people, while others may need practice.

For those of you realizing you might be avoiding negative emotions, the good news is you can learn how to cope more effectively and build confidence to live more authentically.

Start by having some compassion for yourself. It’s likely you were never taught how to cope with negative feelings. But don’t blame your parents, there’s a good chance they were not taught either. This isn’t about blame, but about gaining insight and compassion for your struggle.

Recognize and Understand

Let’s get to know and understand your negative emotions.  

1. Sad: When you cut yourself, you bleed. The blood immediately draws attention to your wound and you nurture it by cleaning and bandaging the wound. Eventually a scar develops to hold the skin together. Your sadness is your soul bleeding. Something hurt emotionally and it needs some TLC. Just as bleeding is a natural part of our healing, the sadness needs room to release.
2. Mad: This emotion is our little internal judge. It’s a natural emotion we feel when someone does something against our beliefs and values. It protects us from putting ourselves repeatedly in a situation where we will be mistreated.  
3. Scared: This is your personal security guard. It brings awareness to potential danger. It’s important for your safety to notice its alerts. Keep in mind, it’s an alert and not always a cue of definite danger. You have the ability to pay attention, assess the situation, and report back if it is in fact dangerous or safe territory.  

How wonderful that our brains provide us with these safety measures to protect us mentally, emotionally, and physically! So why do people try so hard to suppress these feelings? They are uncomfortable. Or, if they don’t know how to process these uncomfortable feelings, there is a fear they will be all-consuming.

The key is to start by understanding the purpose of the emotions and notice how they are trying to serve you. Once you can be authentic with yourself, you can communicate authentically and respectfully to others what you are feeling and what you need. While that can feel vulnerable, the benefit is that by working through this process, you will finally get a true read of who is willing to nurture your feelings and who isn’t. When people repeatedly neglect your needs, it’s your cue to put up a boundary.

The outcome is you live a life with a healthy circle of people who support your authentic self and a boundary to keep neglectful people at a healthy distance. This is the safe environment you need, to let go of avoidance of negative emotions so you can fully feel the positive emotions including peace, power, and joy!

Kristin Woodling, a licensed mental health counselor and certified marriage and family therapist, owns Pamper Your Mind, LLC in Satellite Beach. She is devoted to providing a confidential and elite therapeutic experience to professional women seeking healing, clarity, and balanced lifestyle for optimal health.